The 18th

From now on, i'll have to replace the date of 12th Oct with 18th Dec. My late beloved ayahanda passed away on 18th dec 2012, on 18th bed, ward 7C at about 10 pm. I used to be afraid to go anywhere which is too far because i never knew when the day will come and always hope i will be by his side when the day arrived. Unfortunately, i was destined not to be there when he breathed his last. I was kind of frustrated but I accept my destiny and I'm glad I visited him on the evening. 

*****

I bought him his favorite pau kaya and pau kari ayam in case he want to eat something. But she said he refused to eat since morning. I felt awkward for he didn't ask for anything as always but i thought he just didn't has appetite. I looked at him, and remembered how i used to feel pity on someone who was so thin, lying on the bed and like having no strength at all, and now that person was my beloved father. I remembered how a few years back, when he was admitted into ward, he was like a healthy person lying on the bed, asking to eat this and that, and a little bit talkative, but now he's totally different. I told myself this isn't his last.

Suddenly, he felt like to eat, but a few minutes before that, a nurse told that he shouldn't eat for that moment. Then, the doctor came to calm him. She touched him. His hand was cold. I touched him as well and i felt something but I told myself it was normal. He didnt say much except for "bukan nak letak beg", "very painful" and something that wasn't clear enough. 

Before I went back, I salam his hand, cium tangan and told him "abah, alang nak balik ni". I wish to apologize and told him i love him but all the words stuck in my throat. He just look at me, but didn't say anything. So I told myself he's going to be fine and went for dinner with my friends.

*****

I was too late to be there by his side. Ibu calmed me and said "takpe alang. abah sayang alang". I know he love me. He used to say he and ibu will stay with me when im married. But im the one who haven't let him knows yet how much i love him and apologize for any wrong. At that very moment, I really wish I could turn back time, so that i could hug him for the last time and tell him that i love him. And if I know that he was dying, I wont go for dinner but just stay by his side. But i know, it was my destiny. They kept saying "takde rezeki" and i accepted it. I was very glad that my brother told me that he breathed his last calmly. 

A few days has gone. Almost everything reminds us on him. We were very glad that we had spent the most quality time together with him 2 weeks ago. One of my aunt reminds me to recite him Al-Fatihah everytime I think of him. Insyaallah.

Lets recite Al Fatihah for my late father. Semoga dia ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang beriman. Amin.