Test 2 O & G

My test 2 oil and gas is coming up next morning. Studied enough? nope. berangan enough.

Colored using lip gloss. Imagine the dots are glitters

The 18th

From now on, i'll have to replace the date of 12th Oct with 18th Dec. My late beloved ayahanda passed away on 18th dec 2012, on 18th bed, ward 7C at about 10 pm. I used to be afraid to go anywhere which is too far because i never knew when the day will come and always hope i will be by his side when the day arrived. Unfortunately, i was destined not to be there when he breathed his last. I was kind of frustrated but I accept my destiny and I'm glad I visited him on the evening. 

*****

I bought him his favorite pau kaya and pau kari ayam in case he want to eat something. But she said he refused to eat since morning. I felt awkward for he didn't ask for anything as always but i thought he just didn't has appetite. I looked at him, and remembered how i used to feel pity on someone who was so thin, lying on the bed and like having no strength at all, and now that person was my beloved father. I remembered how a few years back, when he was admitted into ward, he was like a healthy person lying on the bed, asking to eat this and that, and a little bit talkative, but now he's totally different. I told myself this isn't his last.

Suddenly, he felt like to eat, but a few minutes before that, a nurse told that he shouldn't eat for that moment. Then, the doctor came to calm him. She touched him. His hand was cold. I touched him as well and i felt something but I told myself it was normal. He didnt say much except for "bukan nak letak beg", "very painful" and something that wasn't clear enough. 

Before I went back, I salam his hand, cium tangan and told him "abah, alang nak balik ni". I wish to apologize and told him i love him but all the words stuck in my throat. He just look at me, but didn't say anything. So I told myself he's going to be fine and went for dinner with my friends.

*****

I was too late to be there by his side. Ibu calmed me and said "takpe alang. abah sayang alang". I know he love me. He used to say he and ibu will stay with me when im married. But im the one who haven't let him knows yet how much i love him and apologize for any wrong. At that very moment, I really wish I could turn back time, so that i could hug him for the last time and tell him that i love him. And if I know that he was dying, I wont go for dinner but just stay by his side. But i know, it was my destiny. They kept saying "takde rezeki" and i accepted it. I was very glad that my brother told me that he breathed his last calmly. 

A few days has gone. Almost everything reminds us on him. We were very glad that we had spent the most quality time together with him 2 weeks ago. One of my aunt reminds me to recite him Al-Fatihah everytime I think of him. Insyaallah.

Lets recite Al Fatihah for my late father. Semoga dia ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang beriman. Amin.

22nd Birthday

im lying when i said i didnt expect anything. well actually im expecting something from you. but you seems like didnt plan to celebrate it at all. well birthday celebration might be nothing for some people but it is something for me. i know you arent my boyfriend but i dont know why i was hoping for something. silly me.

"are you going to eat with him?"
"nope, my other friend asked me to go for dinner"
"he isnt romantic at all"

perhaps he didnt care at all.

p/s: thanks to my dear friends who planned to surprise me. haha. sy ni gila punya orang x reti rase terkejut. sorry :P

updated 25/12/2012: he did care.

Empty

I couldn't bear this feeling anymore

Why do I want him to care about me

when I know I didnt love him

Why should I feel this way 

when I know the truth is this is what I want

I've tried my best to get rid of this feeling

The feeling for him

because I know it isnt real

but I turned to be the worst of myself

I revealed the bad side that I never thought I have

Why am I turning myself to a bad person

when all I want is to be a better one

Why can't I changed myself

Why am I asking all these questions when I actually know the answers?

hm  

I got to stop all these thing

I should run from these kind of life

Please stop before I couldn't stop myself

Lelaki ku

Aku butuh lelaki

Lelaki yang bisa menghangatkan ku tanpa sentuhan

Membelai ku dengan kelembutan tingkahnya

Mengubah kesedihan ku kepada kebahagiaan

Mencintai ku seperti hanya aku seorang wanita

Membimbing ku hingga mencintai Nya lebih darinya

Layakkah aku?

Harapan pada Bintang

Di kala aku mengharapkan bintang bersinar

Hujan pula yang turun

Turunnya bukan setitik tapi selebat mahunya

Membasuhi segala harapan yang penuh di dada

Habis punah hancur segala  impian

Lalu aku terduduk terdiam terpaku

Membiarkan diri kehujanan

Menanti detik ianya berhenti

Tetapi tidak lagi mengharap pada bintang.

Misunderstood

Love
nobody can really describe it verbally
i never know if that one feeling is called love
i only know it wasnt love when suddenly that one feeling is gone
then i'll regret for what i have done
regret for assuming it was love.

Semester 7

Hello new semester. time flies too fast. I feel like just a year ago I registered as a university student and now im in my final year; fourth year.  I already checked in to my room and back to home. haha. my mom feel reluctant to let me go. glad she appreciated me :) i kept giving her clue to bring back my car, but she never say yes. aww.. never mind. perhaps its for my own good. I'll tell her later if i really need it. hmm.. with everything that had happened and only a few friends left at k11, perhaps i could say 'New Sem, New Life'. 

Harapan

Seringkali aku letakkan harapan yang tinggi pada janji yang ditabur

acapkali harapan itu hancur luluh

lalu aku berhenti berharap pada janji

hanya berharap padaNya

berusaha merealisasikan impianku sendiri

hingga kini jarang aku mengharap pada manusia

tidak berharap akan ada yang datang menjengukku

tidak berharap kata kata mu akan ditunaikan

supaya aku lebih mudah untuk redha dengan ketentuanNya.

Destiny

If I could turn back time, 

I wont fall for love

I wont addicted to have someone to love

I wont give a chance to anybody

So I wont break any heart

but this is my destiny

my faith that i never regret

but teach me a lot

As time passes,

I learned why I was left

I learned to forgive him

I learned from my mistake

I will stop chasing love

but wait for it to come naturally

when the time is right.

I wont give up

Always remind myself that "a good guy is only made for a good woman" as a motivation. i wanna be good enough to have a pious husband. i wish.

p/s: ive tried (try to change myself) a few times, and i failed. but i wont give up.

Syukur

sering kali kita lupa untuk bersyukur
kadang lupa untuk menghargai
apalah sangat permintaannya kalau dibandingkan dengan pengorbanannya selama ini
apalah sangat yang kita balas walau mungkin terasa beban
kadang kadang aku mengenang supaya aku lebih menghargai
aku mengenang untuk rasa bersyukur
agar aku terima apa adanya kini

Past and present

without you realizing it, you kept remind me of my past for these past few days
im sorry.. i dont want to recall it but you did
all the words that I've almost forgotten came back
playing like a video roll
keep repeating the words all over again
and made me think
it might be my fault
i felt like some of it were true enough to make me realize that i was wrong
true enough to hold me from moving on
I'm sorry but now I'm stuck in between past and present.

Less Talking, Less Hurt

I've been talking without watching
and now i've learned
talking too much could ruin everything
oh no no no
i've learned it so long ago just i've never really 'learned' it
from now on i wont talk about others, and myself
i need to be a great secret keeper
yeah great one
should be.

Aku Ingin Berubah

i cant resist wearing normal jeans. aahh

Almost Giving Up

how can i stand this anymore?
people keep saying i am the man
dont you want to be my man
or you really want to be my girl?
im sorry if one day this would end
im sorry that i feel like giving up
but you made me feel that way
its not that i didnt give you a chance
its not that im too perfect
but i just couldnt stand it any longer
perhaps i would give you another chance
lets see where the flow goes

Berikan Ku Masa

tenang
aku rasa sedikit lebih tenteram
benar rasa amarah itu yang menimbulkan kekacauan
amarah yang mungkin datangnya dari syaitan
syaitan yang sering sahaja menggoyahkan iman

iman itu kalau teguh dirinya
pasti amat tenteram jiwa ini
keinginan untuk meneguhkannya sungguh ada
sungguh..
tapi ntah bila akan aku penuhi keinginan itu
ntah bila iman ini akan teguh kalau aku sendiri yang goyah

aduh
berikan aku masa
aku perlu lebih masa
aku sedang cuba mengatur langkah
aku pasti aku mampu

Jauh

tak sudah dengan sahabat yang aku rasakan rapat menjauh
tapi yg tidak jauh juga turut makin menjauh

engkau juga
seperti ramai ramai menyisihkan aku
mungkin aku sahaja yang berprasangka sebegitu
tapi itulah yang aku rasakan

engkau juga
seperti mula menyokong mereka
menjauh dari ku

mungkin silap ku sendiri
tapi aku tak pasti di mana silapnya
hampir semua yang aku lakukan adalah kesilapan

siapa lagi yang aku ada?
hanya seorang sahabat yang setia mendengar keluhan ku
seorang sahabat yang aku harap takkan pergi dariku
aku tetap bersyukur walaupun hanya seorang sahabat

dan pastinya aku sentiasa ada Dia selagi mana aku tidak menjauh darinya

Kesabaran Kian Pudar

entah ke mana perginya sabar ku
entah mengapa pudarnya iman ku
entah dari mana datangnya api kemarahan yang membuak
ini bukan aku
ini bukan aku
terus memberi semangat pada diri ku
aku cuba bangkit
namun kaki ku masih lemah
aku masih lelah dek keindahan dunia
terus menikmati perjalanan itu walau bukan itu yang hendak ku tuju
aku semakin hilang arah
di manakah aku sekarang ini?
tercari-cari di mana dia
aku rindukan dia
aku ingin kembali pada dia
ke mana harus ku tuju?
ah, itu bukan persoalannya
itu hanyalah alasan yang mengaburi hala tuju yang sentiasa ada di depan mata
sentiasa ada, tapi samar2 ku lihatnya
aku ingin ke jalan itu
aku pasti ianya lebih indah dari dunia yang lagha
aku melangkah setapak demi setapak ke arah itu
seperti anak kecil bertatih
kadang kaki ku tersasar ke jalan yang salah
sering kali aku terjatuh
tetapi akan ku cuba kembali ke landasannya
bantulah aku
bawalah aku
permudahkanlah perjalanan ku
sesungguhnya aku amat rindu pada Dia.